New Series: Our Baby Journey. Part 1.

Stories have so much power. Sharing our own personal stories is not only healing for ourselves, but helpful for others. I’ve found this to be true throughout my life, yet a huge part of our story is one that I’ve stopped sharing as much about. I used to talk about our baby journey all the time, and then… nothing. Crickets. I just… stopped. I have many reasons for this, but ultimately, it has led to me feeling quite alone. And it has led to the people who used to follow me for fertility and baby journey talk to feel suddenly let down, too.

I’ve decided to start a new series here on my blog, and some of my socials. Those who have followed me for a long time know all about our baby journey, but many of my newer friends don’t know much about this! Throughout this series, I’ll share our baby story from the very beginning, and I’ll be as honest as I can about every single stage. Please understand that some areas will have more information than others, especially once we get into the adoption realm, for the sake of privacy and policy.

This post, though, is not the beginning of our story. This post is a very raw and honest admission from me to you.

This journey is still ongoing, and it is still hard. I want to be able to share it with you. No, I am not pregnant. I am talking about this now because I still need to be allowed to process and feel, and I want to help other people realize they aren’t alone, and perhaps even get some insight into their own journey. And the journey to parenthood isn’t only about getting pregnant.

As I’ve worked to heal past wounds in my life, and allow myself to grow into the woman I dream to be, I have found many parts of myself that I never fully processed. I avoided them to avoid pain, and instead let them fester. I’ve been so pleased to find great results as I’ve faced some of these things head on for the first time, even though it’s hard! But one thing I just couldn’t get over was how I stopped talking about our baby journey and how… well, to be honest, how fucking hard it has been.

Here’s the thing: when you stop trying to conceive a child naturally, there’s a shift. Not just in you, where the shift is basically seismic and alters everything. It’s a shift in how other people perceive you and your journey. They may not think your next steps are necessarily “easy” per se, but they do seem to think that the hardest part is over. If you move into the IVF realm, people tend to assume that now the hard part is money, and the rest is just science. If you move into the adoption realm, they tend to act as though the only difficult thing is finances and waiting. People tend to cut out the emotional side of it all.

I’ll talk more specifically about the steps for those processes later on in the series, but for now just let me say: the emotions haven’t gone anywhere when the method changes. Not only are you faced with a whole NEW set of feelings, but you absolutely still have the feelings that came with the first part of your journey, too.

When Josh and I decided to pursue adoption, people were INCREDIBLY excited for us (rightfully so)! We were excited, too! But many people acted as though excitement and anticipation were all we should be feeling. Where was the room for grief? Where was the room for fatigue, both physical and emotional? Where was the room for a sudden change in our entire life plan and in our literal, physical household? Where was the acceptance of our feelings of intrusion and lack of privacy? We were meant to be excited, and perhaps impatient, but never sad. You know what? I AM excited about adopting! But any person involved in adoption will tell you that a major factor in adoption is grief on all sides. Adoption does not exist without grief. There is loss in every corner of the adoption triad. We feel that alongside our joy.

And now that we’ve been in the adoption process for years? It takes us right back to trying. Because it’s still a form of trying. Trying for years and years and YEARS to conceive a baby and carry to term, never knowing when the time would come, was… wow. Taxing doesn’t even begin to cover it. Now, waiting years and years and not knowing when the time will come (if ever) is… yep. Still taxing. And it still doesn’t cover it. Don’t get me wrong, we are as patient as we can be, knowing that the timing will be right because we will only be selected when we are the right family for the right child. But this is still a form of trying, and that can still take its toll! Especially when Josh and I are getting older and watching this window of opportunity grow smaller.

I have found a lot of good in all my forms of trying to have a baby. I have learned so many things, discovered amazing and supportive communities, felt excitement beyond belief, and dreamed of the most beautiful future! I’ll be sure to continue talking about that. But I have also felt profound grief. I have also felt doubt, fear, guilt, impatience, shame, and more.

I was recently writing some poetry, and this poem about trying to have a baby just flowed right out of me. It encompasses both our journey to conceive and our adoption journey. You can click here to read the poem.

This series won’t always be a downer, I swear! I plan to share a lot of information and resources, along with our personal story, to help those who are at any stage in their journey! But this time, I wanted to just lay it all out for you. THIS is why I’m doing this series, THIS is why I want to return to talking about this. Because I think many people don’t understand what this is all like. And more importantly, many DO understand, and I want them to know they aren’t alone. YOU. I want you to know you aren’t alone. I am here on this journey with you.

I will gladly discuss this journey with you, whether my own journey or yours! Ask questions, give suggestions, just share how you’re feeling or what you’ve experienced. Comment, message, find me on socials… anything! Let’s not do this alone.

Thanks for letting me be honest with you all, and thanks for following us on this journey for all of these years. Hopefully, we will be able to share a Happily Ever After someday soon! And if not, I’m sure the sunset of this journey will have its own beauty to share.

With all my love, hope, and different forms of baby dust,

Dannika 💛