Today I’m making the final transitions of moving Josh’s office into mine to make room for a nursery. I’m sitting here in the corner of the room, taking a break from moving furniture, and reflecting.
It’s crazy, all the different emotions that come with adoption. Actually, with having children in general, really. I feel like maybe it’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough. For anyone choosing to have a child, there is obviously so much joy. And yes, we’ve all gotten a bit better at talking about the fear, too. What if I’m not good at this whole parenting thing? Babies are so fragile, how do I make sure I’m being careful enough? What if they have health issues? Fear comes fairly easily for every parent, and we’ve, as a society, gotten collectively better at admitting to some fear.
But what about the grief? What about the sadness?
It may not be very “in vogue” to talk about the fact that making sacrifices for your future child can be hard, but it’s true. They’re SACRIFICES. It’s not easy. Josh and I have dreamed of turning one of these rooms into a nursery since we first set eyes on this house years ago. For a long time, one room sat completely empty. We kept waiting for a little someone to claim it. As time went on, we had to face the reality that having children was going to be a lot harder than we expected, and may not ever happen. We’ll talk about THAT grief another time.
We decided to stop living our lives for one thing— our struggles to have children— and to instead focus on our other dreams, too. To my surprise, it really helped! And in this journey, I discovered a side of myself that had been hidden away and ignored for far too long. As I began to explore the other parts of my creative self, and make space for those places both in me and in my home, I found so much joy and peace. I think that coming to this place of peace was one huge part of realizing the peace we had about adoption, as well, and choosing to finally move forward on this part of our story. And I can’t wait to share this peace and creativity with our child!
But the room that became my office/studio had truly become my sanctuary. I would paint in here, I would write in here, I would dance in here, I would cry in here, I would meditate in here, I would learn in here, I would grow in here. It was my safe place to go and be alone and CREATE.
I can’t tell you how excited I am to finally be putting together a nursery! It’s incredibly nerve-wracking, and it’s also a dream come true. But here is where I admit: it’s also really hard. I’m losing my private sanctuary. Josh and I used to share an office, it wasn’t bad at all! But this isn’t just a space to create anymore. It’s also where Josh will work his day job, and interact with customers and team members, and have virtual meetings. It’s not the end of the world by ANY means, but it’s not the same. There is a loss.
And that’s ok!
There are many sacrifices associated with having children, but let’s hone in on adoption now. And I’m going to move away from the sacrifices we are making, now, too. Because there is a huge choice made, a sacrifice for love of your child, when the decision of adoption is made.
Expectant families (some call them birth families, or families of origin) are amazing to me. They’re heroes. Just sitting here, thinking of whoever will decide to honor us by choosing US, brings tears to my eyes. How can she be so wonderful? How can they be so brave? Who knows sacrifice better than a family choosing to place a child for adoption? Every family has a different reason for choosing this road, but no matter the reason or how wonderful the outcome, there is grief associated with adoption. That seems wrong to say, doesn’t it? But it’s true. We literally have books to read about how to parent our newborn through the trauma and grief. Expectant mothers grieve throughout the process and are counseled along the way, and afterwards, too (this is a huge reason we chose the agency we did. We want our sweet, special mama to be taken care of and supported as much as possible for her entire life, and we want to be there for her, too). I’ll definitely talk more about all that another time.
My point is that amidst all the joy (and there is a lot), there is also loss and sorrow. There is grief.
Is it worth it? Absolutely.
I’ve said all along that I want to be as open as I can about this entire process, while respecting everyone’s privacy. That includes admitting that some parts are just flat out hard. So here we are!
Today I am sitting on the floor in our newly combined office, reflecting. There have been a few tears, and some grief. And now I am ready to move forward and enjoy putting together the nursery for our dear baby Roggie. Now, as I sit and take a few more deep breaths, I am beginning to dream, and I am filled with hope.
Because there it is: the story may have a few sad moments, and some chapters may be harder than others.
But it never ends with grief. There is still more to the story… and I can’t wait to see the next chapter!
Dannika Lauren 
Leave a comment