*Trigger Warning: pregnancy, miscarriage, infertility*

(I’ve written this post to be more detailed about this entire process, so that it might be helpful to others who are in the midst of their own pain, confusion, loss, uncertainty, etc. I try not to get too graphic, but I do discuss some finer details of miscarriage).

Hello, Artists ❤️

Back in October I mentioned in my Insta stories that Josh and I had made the decision to pursue IVF. It wasn’t a big announcement or post, just a couple of Instagram Stories explaining and letting people know we welcomed their prayers and good vibes. It would have been very easy to miss! We started researching fertility clinics in our area, trying to decide on the best one. I am so thankful for all of the people who gave their suggestions and feedback on different clinics and doctors, because it really helped! Let me pause here a moment to say this: trying to decide on a doctor is never easy, especially for something so important and so expensive. But trying to figure out how to find the right one DURING A PANDEMIC? Oh yeah… oodles of fun. Needless to say, our progress was very slow-moving in finding the right fit, and we decided it was ok to not rush it so close to the holidays.

Fast forward to November. We still hadn’t made it in for an appointment, but I was feeling…odd. I was tired all the time. Actually, no, I was exhausted. I felt like I had absolutely no energy whatsoever. My appetite became strange and inconsistent. My sense of smell was my worst enemy. I started feeling nauseated around mid- morning and again in the evening, every single day. I ached. I know you see it… I did, too. But I have been on this journey for a very long time, and I was afraid. I didn’t want to be wrong, and have my heart broken. I kept waiting. I waited for my period to start. I waited for the symptoms to subside and prove that they were really just from some stomach bug or maybe some strange PMS symptoms. The thing is, it isn’t all that off track to think those things, because PCOS gives me all kinds of weird symptoms all the time. But I finally reached the point that I couldn’t wait anymore. I bought several pregnancy tests, and…

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I was so excited! I took SO MANY TESTS! I started looking into baby names, thinking about registries, pinning things to my baby board on Pinterest, upping my prenatal vitamins to the regular dose, stopped drinking caffeine, started sucking on morning sickness candies because I felt like death, and more. Now, if you’ve been around my site or my social media for a while, I’m sure you’re thinking something along the lines of, “Why did she get so excited so fast? Hasn’t she miscarried six times?” I’m sure the thought crossed your mind, because it crossed mine. I couldn’t explain why I felt so certain that this time would be different. I couldn’t explain why I let myself get SO EXCITED. But I did. I hid it from almost everyone, but I was giddy.

The timing seemed so perfect. We were about to start the process of pursuing IVF and now we could save all that money and heartache and have our baby naturally! We could announce it to everyone at Christmas!

We weren’t sure how far along I was, because my cycle had suddenly changed and gotten all messed up a couple of months before. It seemed like I was probably fairly early, though. I realized I would need to hurry and choose my new doctor ASAP, and in the meantime I kept taking tests (like multiple a day, every day). I watched my tests get more and more faint…

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Before I continue let me say this: if you have had positive tests and then they become faint, or even negative, it does NOT necessarily mean you’re having a miscarriage. It could be any number of things, from a false positive to the hook effect (so much HCG it overwhelms the test and brings a false negative), so please talk to a doctor!

My pregnancy symptoms persisted for a while, and then they also started to fade. Before I even had a chance to make it to an appointment, my tests began to come back negative. I decided I couldn’t wait anymore, and I did an online appointment to discuss everything with a doctor. She talked over the whole situation with me, asked a lot of questions, and told me what I had already figured: miscarriage.

My main question for her was why I wasn’t bleeding. I’ve had six other miscarriages, and only one of those others hadn’t had almost immediate bleeding. She said it was most likely so early that my body was just going to wait for my next period, and if that didn’t happen, to go in for an appointment and to get the meds that will force a period. And now, we wait.

For those who came to this post because you’re in the midst of your own scary uncertainty, I understand. I can try to explain, but I’m not a doctor. This is what is often referred to as a “missed miscarriage” or a “chemical pregnancy.” The second term is in no way medical, it’s just commonly used. It doesn’t mean “less real,” or anything like that. It simply means that there was enough pregnancy hormone to activate the chemicals of the test, but that for whatever reason (usually that there is something wrong with the embryo) the pregnancy ends. This can happen at any of the early stages, but tends to be very, VERY early. It can result in immediate bleeding or in no bleeding until the next menstrual period. If you believe you are experiencing a miscarriage at any stage, please see your doctor. I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary.

I can’t believe we are going through this for a seventh time. Seven. I can’t believe we once again got so close to our dream, and lost it. We are encouraged to know that I have eggs, clearly, but also uncertain about what we will find out about their quality, when it comes to IVF. And we have big things to discuss… like even if we end up with viable embryos, am I really the best choice to carry them? Maybe we should get a surrogate. Do we really want to go through all of this?

Not even considering the future, and just looking at the present: we just lost another baby. I felt the presence of this little life in me. I felt the sickness and the fatigue and the discomfort. I felt the joy and the excitement. It doesn’t matter that it was early, it doesn’t hurt any less. Trust me, I’ve done this seven times, now. I lost each baby at different stages. This doesn’t hurt me less. And if this is you, it’s ok if it doesn’t hurt you less, either. It’s also ok if it does. If it’s a relief to you that at least you weren’t very far, I totally get that. I absolutely understand that. No matter what you feel right now, it’s ok. It’s allowed. It is welcome.

For me, I am struggling. I was so ready. This baby was a total surprise, obviously, because we weren’t trying to get pregnant. We were looking into IVF! But as soon as I saw those positives (and honestly, even before I saw them, because I just KNEW), I fell so in love.

Josh and I are sick of doing this. We are sick of experiencing this.

Let me be honest, we’re sick of talking about it.

I talk about this because it helps people. I’ve seen firsthand how my openness has helped other people, and I’ve experienced what it’s like to go through infertility and miscarriage and feel like I’m all alone. I’ve been the woman looking for resources and information and comfort. So I talk about it. I will continue to talk about it.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck.

I WANT to talk with you about what you’re going through, so don’t misunderstand me! I just am so tired and sad.

Josh and I need some space to grieve right now. I still haven’t passed the baby… we are not done with this. We’re right in the middle of it. So please respect our privacy for a time!

If you’re new here, one thing you should know is that Josh and I always take time to try to see if we get a sense about our baby, and we name them. We know we could always be wrong, but that’s ok. We felt unsure for a while about this baby, and considered the possibility of a non-binary baby, and a totally gender neutral name. So that’s we did for the first name! But in the end, we did decide we felt deep down that this had actually been a baby girl.

We named our baby girl Ryley Sen Roggie.

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I know for many people this holiday season is hard. There are so many reasons for the holidays to be difficult, but I’m talking now specifically about those that are trying for children and can’t seem to catch a break. I’m talking about the people who have lost children at ANY stage, pregnancy, adoption, or later in life. Think about all the Christmas ads you see: families together, children running around with glee. Matching pajamas, fun traditions, Santa Claus and stockings… these things tend to hurt people like me every time we see them. The whole season is full of triggers and pain, alongside the joy and the magic. Please remember that when you encounter people. This year is hard enough for everyone as it is, but please, PLEASE be extra gentle with those who are grieving.

I had a list for Christmas this year, but I would give it all up in a heartbeat to hear her heart beat.

For those who are grieving, I love you and see you. You are not alone.

For those who stand with us, loving us and supporting us, thank you.

For those who are waiting and dreaming and wishing, I hope you get all you want for Christmas this year.

With love and tenderness,

Dannika Lauren