“Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.” – Alan Watts

“‘I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night. Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, “Who in the world am I?” Ah, that’s the great puzzle!’”- Lewis Carroll, Alice In Wonderland

If you’re new here you may be wondering who I am, and with the site revamp I figured I should start fresh for new and old readers alike! Besides, I also really wanted to get into the whole existential crisis of “who am I?” that we all go through, so two birds, one stone, am I right? This will be fun!

I’ll begin with just a bit about myself, so we can get to know each other ( I do want to get to know you, too, so comment and introduce yourself!) and then we’ll move on to the big, deep question!

I’m Dannika (obviously) and I am currently 30 years old! I actually really love being 30. I feel like a whole new boost of confidence and self-love entered my body as soon as I had my birthday back in May. I’m a Gemini, if you care about such things, and I’m still a Gemini if you don’t! I am married to an awesome man named Josh and at the time of this writing we’ve been married for 8 years! I think he’s pretty awesome. He’s a writer, too, and he has a book out called Shame: An Unconventional Memoir and you should definitely buy it! We have two cats, Shadow and Kaladin. Shadow is our black fuzzy, and Kaladin (named after an epic Brandon Sanderson character) is our orange and white fuzzy. So together they remind me of Halloween and Pumpkin Spice lattes and it’s the best. We don’t have any kids of our own because life’s a bitch sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about finding the beauty in life, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t also hard! I have PCOS, and we’ve dealt with infertility and multiple miscarriages for YEARS. At this point, I’ve had 6 miscarriages. It feels pretty shitty to say we don’t have kids, because I definitely count those kids, we just aren’t raising them. I talk a lot about our struggles and our journey, and about Mason Grey, Reed August, Anabal Serenity, Everly Isabel, Solar Royal, and Oliver James (our kids), and you can find old posts about all of that here on the site.

I’m an Author/writer, painter, photographer, professional tarot reader, eclectic witch, Enneagram 4, dancer, singer, lover, reader, creative, coffee addict (it’s only a problem if you’re bad at it, right?), cat mom, dead kid mom, Potterhead, wife, plant caretaker (attempting), nanny, mental health advocate with Depression, Etsy shop owner, and collector of random and odd things. Oh, and I’m Queer. I just came out publicly this year but I can promise you I’ve been Queer my whole life. Bisexual/Pansexual. It’s a whole thing, so if you want a little more clarity, you can read my coming out post here and watch my fun little coming out video with a painting here! Some of my favorite authors are Brandon Sanderson, Patrick Rothfuss (assuming he actually finishes the series I would say is one of the best I’ve ever read), Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter series, 1-7. Forget all this Cursed Child bullshit), V.E. Schwab, and N.K. Jemisin. Some of my favorite musicians/bands are Aurora, Sleeping At Last, Halsey, Bon Iver, David Lanz, Silent Planet, Celtic Woman, Taking Back Sunday, Timbre, The Classic Crime, Emery, Eurielle, and Eisley. I say “some of” for all of these because I can’t pick favorites in… anything… so I just listed what popped into my head for now!

How’d I do? That was a pretty good list, right? We’re pretty good at trying to define ourselves. “Trying” is the key word, there, because we aren’t always very good at it. If you’re like me, you’ve dealt with the “who am I?” question your whole life.

Growing up, my dad would ask me all the time who I truly was, deep inside. Usually, he was asking because I was in trouble for something, and he would say it wasn’t like me. I think the general assumption was that whatever wrongdoing had been done was thanks to the influence of other people who I was trying to mimic or impress. I’m sure on several occasions he was right! There were also several occasions where I really was just THAT stupid all on my own! Other times he would ask when I wasn’t in trouble at all, it was just that he wanted to know. The thing is, I never knew how to answer him. I would even tell him, often through a sudden outpouring of tears, “I don’t know who I am!” It was half true. I felt deep inside that I had an ok idea of who I was, but not 100%, and that what I did know was too hard to explain. How do I describe to someone the essence of who I am? He isn’t asking about my hobbies or interests… he’s asking me who I AM!

How do I describe to someone the essence of who I am? He isn’t asking about my hobbies or interests… he’s asking me who I AM!

We tend to feel pressure, whether our own or externally, to define ourselves. We feel the need to know exactly who we are and stick to it, like a brand. “I’m not a painter, I shouldn’t waste my time on that” “I can’t do that, I’m not that smart,” “I’m only…” You see? We do it so easily. We discount certain things we are interested in, confused about, or things that seem to be changing within us because it doesn’t fit the brand of who know ourselves to be. More accurately, it doesn’t fit the version of ourselves that we created in an attempt to act like we know who are. And we try so hard to define ourselves, TO ourselves, because we feel somehow incomplete without this definition. I get it… we don’t really like unanswered questions. Often, I hear others say that not knowing who you are is a sign of immaturity or low self-esteem.

What if they’re wrong?

What if a good indicator of maturity and healthy self-esteem is knowing that you don’t fully know who you are, because who you are is always changing? If nothing about you ever changes, you’re dead— stagnant. That is not LIFE! That is not living! Perhaps, part of why we don’t FULLY know how to answer the question of who we are is because who we are is always evolving and growing in some way. “Life without revision will silence our souls.”- Sleeping At Last, Snow

Maybe, we don’t know how to truly explain ourselves because it’s more art than fact.

When I go to paint a picture, I usually come at it one of two ways: I either have an exact image and plan in my head that I then try to replicate, or I have no idea whatsoever of what I want to paint, and I stare at the canvas and just start putting paint on it. There are often times, though, that it’s a combination of the two. I have a slight idea of what I’m going for, and a feeling or emotion that I know I want to be imbued into the painting, but no real clear idea of how exactly to get there or what exactly it will look like in the end. So I paint with my heart, and I begin to put paint to canvas, watching closely to see what shape this piece of art will take.

That’s what being alive is like.

We have an idea of who we want to be, or at least a feeling. We have an inclination and don’t really know how to explain it, but we can feel it, and we somewhat know it. But we don’t have an exact vision of how we’ll turn out, and so with our hearts and minds open we begin to put paint to ourselves, to see what shape we will take. In the process of painting and not knowing, we create the art of who we are. In the process of discovery, we shape ourselves and learn about ourselves.

…and so with our hearts and minds open we begin to put paint to ourselves, to see what shape we will take. In the process of painting and not knowing, we create the art of who we are.

This painting is never finished. The art of our life is ever-evolving and in constant growth. If we are healthy, and embrace this growth and change, we will grow more and more into our true selves and learn more and more about who we are, and love the fact that we don’t 100% know because it means we’re still on the journey. We’re still painting and creating the art! If we aren’t healthy, and we try to stay still and fit the brand and nothing more, we will devolve and grow more and more distant from ourselves and the beauty of the world around us.

So what do we do if someone asks us who we are?

I suppose that’s up to you. For me, I take the context of the situation into consideration. If someone asks me who I am and they clearly are just trying to ask me what I do, I tell them. If someone is trying to get to know me, really know me, I tell them that it’s hard to define a person in a few sentences, and I can’t wait to get to know each other well over time. And I start with what I do know! Because, yes, it’s a somewhat difficult question, but I DO know a bit about myself already! Over time, I’ve seen the shape of some of the paint.

I am creative. I am passionate. I have a love of books. I’m incredibly sensitive. I’m compassionate and empathetic. I have a quirky side. Alright, fine, I’m a little weird. I get angry too quickly sometimes, but when I’m angry it makes me sad and I cry. I hate that I cry when I’m angry. My eyes are cool, I like them. I should have had braces when I was younger but I never wanted them and still don’t, and I like my slightly crooked teeth— I think they make me more personable than a perfect smile. I love animals deeply, all of them, and constantly tell myself I should be a vegan. And like many people, I’m still not a vegan. But I’m vegetarian most of the time, and I make myself feel ok with that for now… I’m still painting that part! These are the little things. These are the things that are easy to put into words. And as someone gets to know me, they’ll discover the things that can’t be put into words, and they’ll see who I am. They’ll examine the art, they’ll see the process of the painting (and they’ll be a part of painting it. Other people add paint, too, when we interact with them enough, even when we don’t want them to. It’s up to us to paint over those parts, if need be, and shape them into something we find beautiful instead), and they’ll see the shape. That’s how I’ll see it, too.

That’s how we know who we are. We watch it, we shape it, we go with the flow and let it be, and we discover it for ourselves anew each day.

That’s how we let other people know we are. We let them see the painting take shape, and we’re honest and authentic about our process, and we invite them in when we’re ready.

If you don’t know who you are, there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t immature or self-loathing or un-evolved or unenlightened. It’s actually quite simple. I know who you are.

Are you ready?

“What I am really saying is that you don’t need to do anything, because if you see yourself in the correct way, you are all as much extraordinary phenomenon of nature as trees, clouds, the patterns in running water, the flickering of fire, the arrangement of the stars, and the form of a galaxy. You are all just like that, and there is nothing wrong with you at all.” – Alan Watts

“You are an aperture through which the universe is looking at and exploring itself.” – Alan Watts

You are… absolutely marvelous.

And that’s all you REALLY need to know.

With all my love, and ready to paint beside you,

Dannika